Stop Beating Yourself Up

It's been a month.  I had grand intentions of frequent updates, especially since my mind is always racing.  But that didn't happen.  We plan and God laughs.  At least thats the case with me as I've been dealing with a bacterial infection that, one day, will be a great story.

Two weeks ago I found myself in an unimagined place.  It was Saturday morning.  I was in front of my computer attending a bar-mitzvah via Zoom.  In my wildest dreams I never imagined missing it.  It had already been postponed a year.  It was the twin boys of one of my oldest and closest friends.  I felt terrible I wasn't there in person, but I wasn't going to miss it.  Emotionally, I was not in a state to be there in person.  Between covid, life, statistics, etc. I had to call my friend and admit to her that while I loved she and her sons, I had to put myself first and couldn't be there in person.  She was gracious and understood and wanted to make sure I was OK.  I was touched.  And as I watched that bar-mitzvah and saw the pride on her face, I felt like I was there in spirit.  

I've thought a lot about that bar-mitzvah, and about attending via Zoom.  Initially I was beating myself up about it.  That did me no good.  I had to change my thinking.  I had to accept I was there between the gift of self-preservation and virtual.

I'd always prided myself on being there for my friends.  In good times and bad.  A good man in a storm.  No matter how difficult it was, I was the one who always showed up.  In our world, though, showing up no longer means physically being there.  We can be good friends to others while putting our own health and needs first.    

Intellectually I understand we live in different times.  The world as I knew it, even 2 years ago, no longer exists.  Covid and vaccines and masks and social distance are part of the world, whether we want to embrace it or not.  I had a long "come to Jesus" meeting with myself about these things after the bar-mitzvah.  We (specifically me) spend way too much time beating ourselves up instead of accepting where we are.  

Rather than wasting time feeling bad or being down in the dumps or worrying about telling my friend I couldn't be there in person, I should have believed in friendship and that my friend was going to understand and knew I would be there, in person, if I could be.  It was a great reminder that we can't try to be perfect.  Instead, we have to try to be better.  To make a mistake and learn from it.  To move on.  Because, then, we are already one step ahead of the past.  I'm really trying to learn so I don't repeat this and put myself through unnecessary angst again.